A little girl recently asked me what I want to be when I grow up. I told her that I want to be a counselor. “What’s that?” she promptly asked. Huh. Never got asked that question before. I had to think about it for a moment. “It’s someone you talk to when you’re sad for a long time.”
“I’m never sad,” she responded. “Well, some people are sad for a long time and need to talk about it with other people,” I said, trying to defend my choice of profession. “Not me! I get sad for a moment, and then I feel better and get over it.”
Fair enough. That's one way of coping.
However, I did not want to lose this challenge. A challenge of proving how important my choice of profession was, but her comment had knocked me to the ropes. I had to think about it for a moment longer. “A counselor is someone who you can share secrets with.” Her eyes widened. Bingo. I win. “See, some people have secrets that they can’t tell anyone. You can tell a counselor and they will keep it. No matter what.”
She paused for a moment. ”Can I tell you a secret?” she whispered. “Of course.” “Come here!” she said as she looked side-to-side. She then told me her secret: “I like ketchup…on my eggs.” “Really?” I asked. Astonishing. We then spent time talking about how everything tastes better with ketchup on it, including pizza.
Now, I might be guilty of breaking doctor-patient confidentiality by telling this story (I highly doubt it), but this moment reminded me that sharing secrets can be fun. I had forgotten this because, as the old rhyme goes "secrets, secrets are no fun / secrets, secrets hurt someone." The bitter teacher of experience had taught me that some secrets that bring pain instead of joy. However, secrets are meant to be a joyous thing.
There are two things that are necessary for secrets: they must be private (hence my young friend only being willing to tell me her secret after seeing if no one was listening) and they must be earned (hence she only told me after I said that I wouldn't tell anyone 1 ). This seems obvious enough; you cannot share a secret if it is public information and you will not share it if you do not trust the other person. The key differences between painful and joyful secrets can be found in these two elements.
We keep things private because they have significance. If Area 51 does exist, it is being kept secret because of how much our daily lives would change if alien life could be confirmed. Superheroes trust their identities only to a few friends because villains could torture and destroy their families if they were not private. Most people will not get to watch Moulin Rouge with me because I would have to hurt anyone who inappropriate interrupts one of my favorite movies.
Painful secrets are ones that are kept private out of fear or shame; joyful secret are ones that are kept simply because they are important. I don’t watch Moulin Rouge with people because I’m ashamed of loving the film or because I would be destroyed if someone didn’t like it (though, to be fair, only someone with a terrible taste in movies and a hatred for love wouldn’t like it). I watch it privately because it is important to me, and I share the reason for that privately with close friends. You keep close to the things that matter.
When you become close to someone, you share what is close to you. Physically, whenever you bring something closer, you notice more of the details. From far away, people think that my brother looks like Johnny Depp. Up close, they see how mistaken they were. Secrets are our details; you see more the closer you get. Yet just as there is a difference between how comfortable you feel when a stranger sits inappropriately close to you on a bench and when your brother does it, so there is a difference between someone forcing a secret out of you and when you get to share one.
There is more than one way that a secret maybe be coerced out of you. It could be that you were given an ultimatum. It could be that an investigative reporter has dug too deep into your troubled past. It could be because of a gun-wielding fanatic. It could be because you did a terrible job of hiding the Christmas presents. Even if the secret is a good one (like Christmas presents), having it taken from you is not a pleasant feeling.
But you share secrets with people who have earned it, that is what true friendships are made of. Not relationships built on coercion and separations of power, but friendships built on liberty and understanding. I know who my friends are; they are the people who I chose to give my secrets to.
When a secret is shared (not stolen) privately, nothing is a better sign of closeness and intimacy. That's a good reason to seek and share secrets, and it's a good reason to be a therapist. Even if everyone was happy and no one had a traumatic past, therapists could still help people. I could have the honor of being told important secrets and helping a person feel more loved and accepted for it. Isn’t that why we have secrets? They’re our little way of finding out how loved we are and lovable we can be.
1. I still hold that I kept my promise to the girl. You may know her secret, but you don't know her. And you'll never be able to link the two. It's how psychologists are able to get away with writing case studies. She's my Patient Zero.
