Being both an oldest child and a male puts a lot of unspoken (though sometimes spoken) responsibilities on my shoulders.
I'll take a moment to deal with people who want to argue with this before I continue. I'm not saying women do not have responsibilities that society puts on them, as I have both a mother (who is told to work both a full time job while maintaining the house) and several female friends (who have men constantly trying to undermine them, either by attempting to seduce them or ignoring them). I'm also not saying that only an oldest child has responsibilities, as I am constantly reminded by my younger brothers' often showing me the noblest and best ways.
What I am saying is that, since I've been young, I've been told that I need to be responsible. When I was a child, I was told I need to be responsible for my brothers, which meant both making sure they were safe and being a role model. As I grew up, I was told I needed to be responsible with how I treat girls, which meant I needed to both treat them with courtesy and sensitivity. When I entered adulthood, I was told that I need to be a man, which meant I needed to be courageous, bold, wise, and mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
Everyone has their own lists of responsibilities, and some people hate the fact that responsibility is thrown upon them. Personally, I believe Uncle Ben when he says that "with great power comes great responsibility." Being involved in anyone's life (anyTHING's life really) gives you some kind of influence/power over another. Learning to use that power well, kindly, and with wisdom, is responsibility. It is never a bad thing to have it in your life.
But the fine line between responsibility and love, at least the fine line that I find myself wrestling with, is that you realize that people can need you without loving you. Being a good brother doesn't mean my brothers have to be good back, and being courteous to women does not mean they need to be kind to me. You just have to do the right thing sometimes, simply because people need you to do the right thing even when they don't want you.
Those times are the worst. When people need you but don't want you. A one-sided love. I often feel responsible, so I often think that I am needed. I also can often have a low sense of self-worth, so I believe that I'm not wanted most of the time.
What makes me thankful about being a Christian is that, logically, we're shown that God does not need us; we have nothing to offer Him that He doesn't already have in an abundance of both quantity and quality. But He wants us. Through nothing we can do for Him, He wants us. Just because He enjoys us. Reflecting on this makes me happy for the people in my life. People who sometimes need me, but always want me (through no great virtue of my own). I'm blessed because of them, and I want to spend a moment thinking about how great they are.
I have people in my life who find reading my blog tedious because we can communicate even more than this with less words (a kind of secret language, if you will). I have been reduced to tears more often through laughter than sadness or pain because of these great people. Most people I deeply care about have the same characteristic of being absolutely terrible at getting back to me over text messages or phone calls, but they will move mountains if I genuinely need them. I have mentors who I go to with my problems, and then the problems get SOLVED. This is who these people are: an innocent, a frequent flier, a guardsman, a poet who looks like a warrior, an unstoppable force, a sage, a warrior who acts like an artist, a Russian super spy, a strong silent type, a hero struggling with his identity, a married monk, a therapist who knows sorcery, and a socially adept Existentialist.
I hope my friends will forgive me for categorize them. I hope the ones I chose not to mention will forgive me if they figure out they weren't mentioned, because I had to make a choice of who to put on and had already rambled long enough. I hope they'll forgive me for categorizing them in a very lame way. I hope they'll forgive me if my category was too small for them or just wrong, because they're great people. Maybe that's all I need to say. They will forgive me, because they care about me. Because they're great people who have grown great by seeking something greater than them.
I'm glad because when I'm not needed, and I begin to pursue the things I want. And I'm glad to get to do that with people in my life, when I can honestly say that WE are pursuing something that WE want. Those times are the best.
