Proof of Happy Endings

I like to draw from events in my life when I write a blog, but rarely do I include anything that is up-to-date. I do this consciously because I prefer keeping my private life private. But I've been feeling contemplative lately, so I’ll break my rule for once.

A week ago, I was honored to be a groomsman at my best friend’s wedding. Right before the ceremony, I asked him what he was thinking about it. Actually, to be specific, I asked my poet of a friend if the Muse was speaking to him on his special day. He replied with “Poets do not find inspiration in the moment, but after.”

During the bachelor party, I had a great time hanging out with the guys.

During the rehearsal, I enjoyed talking to new people as well as familiar faces. Dinner was also exceptionally delicious.

During the wedding, I was almost brought to tears with how beautiful the ceremony was and brought to sweat by dancing the night away.

After all this, I started to miss my friend.

I don’t like to admit this for many reasons, so I’ll get them out of the way first. I feel that I look selfish when I say that. Immature as well. Perhaps even needy. And maybe all of that is true, but I can’t help it. 

My brother, who, too often, I disagree with, tells me to try and not look at this like a loss. Turns out, I disagree with him. Things change, and every change is a kind of ending. Though I believe that there can be happy endings (my friend’s marriage is a clear example of one), I can still lament over what ends.

Can't I be upset that I have to see my friend less while thrilled for him that he’s moving up in life?

This comes to mind because I've noticed that this is a period of life where a lot of things are ending for me.

I've worked at the same place, off and on, for about a 4 years, and I've put in my two-week notice. Things have changed a lot for me there, and I've been happy with the opportunities I've had. I've been happy to make paper bag puppets (and watch my puppet making skills improve). I've been happy to watch the kids I work with growing up and, in some cases, learning to talk and walk. I've been happy to grow as an employee and slowly get trusted with more and more responsibilities and opportunities to better myself. I've been happy getting to know my amazing co-workers and superiors. But it’s time for this to change.

(Improvement!)

With the exception of the years I spent in college, I've lived in the same city (San Jose) for most of my life. I grew up here, and it’s my home. I learned to walk, read, write, drive, and do calculus all in my city. My city has beautiful hills and mountains surrounding it that turn green in the spring with California poppies all over. Sometimes, when I sit on top of one of these hills to think, I remember that my old school’s motto was that we were a ”light on the hill” and I marvel that, in my city, there are so many hill with which we can put lights on. As I've spent years hunting through my city for secret passages to Narnia (and found passages to its opposite accidentally), I've learned the treasured secrets of my city. But it’s time for this to change.

I cannot even begin to think about how my relationships with friends and family are about to change, mostly because I know any further embellishment will make my mom really sad to read. Got to say, I’m really happy with how she reads all of my blogs. HI MOM! Poor lady is a softy, and this will probably make her really sad to read. I’ll be sure to caution her against reading this, but I know she will anyways.

To be fair, it makes me sad too, but it also makes me happy to remember. It’s why I try not to focus too much on things ending, but, sometimes, I feel like I have to. I feel like, in doing so, I’m paying homage to something that I love, even if I’m getting something good in giving something up.

Speaking of getting things, I’m getting sick of all the same questions about my upcoming move.

Are you excited? Yes.

Are you worried? Yes.

Are you going to miss home? Yes.

Turns out humans are complicated and can feel more than one thing at a time. Even if it’s true that you’ll feel one emotion more strongly than the others, I don’t think that invalidates any of the feelings. I also don’t think that it means that the thing you feel most strongly is the most important feeling to you.

Can’t I be both excited and sad that I have to move?

San Jose (Saint Joseph) I've learned is the patron saint of dying well. Because Joseph is not mentioned after the stories of Christ’s youth, some assume that it is because he died before Christ started his ministry. He’s the patron saint of dying well because, if this is the case, Joseph would have died with Christ and Mary by his side. To put it another way, he would have died in the arms of his Savior and the mother of God. Supposedly, that’s the best way to go.

And go we must.

In life, I cannot escape endings, but I can at least work toward happy endings. Living in the city of Saint Joseph has taught me that. We might not be the most cultured city and we have our own share of problems, but I cannot imagine how anyone can be surrounded with such beauty, as can easily be seen in our green hills and wonderful people, and be anything but happy.            

I can be sad at having to move, but still be happy for having lived here. A good life learns to live with that tension.

Most people seem to forget that I am a person who views change as a necessary evil. I believe things can get better, but to move forward means to leave something behind. I believe things are fallen and need to change, but even fallen things are not devoid of goodness.

I want nothing more than to just settle down in a place, left to my own devices, and to just exist and be happy. The problem is that this is selfish living. Left to my own devices, I would destroy myself, not find happiness. I must change, and so, like many before me, I've learned to rejoice in my suffering.

Yet I've also learned that it is not wrong to suffer in my sufferings. It is possible to be both happy and sad at the same time.

For me, that means living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, and aiming to be reasonably happy in this life. I look for all things to be made right and to try and help the process along as I can. I look forward to the day that endings will end.

To quote a friend, as well as pay homage to Franny and Zooey:

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.